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February 05, 2014


Ann neely

I remember long ago you talking to me about "good" versus "true" codependency..the difference was the WHY of the behavior, not the behavior itself.....it has always stuck with me. I get what you are saying in the above article. Thanks for the reminder. :-)

Mary Maulsby

That is so right on. It really is about the motivation. And yes, it is hard to know sometimes what the motivation is and if I can't tell myself, I am grateful for my friends for reality checks. You are so good at bringing the complicated questions to one simple word or phrase. Nice post.


Yes, intention is definitely the factor here. It's interesting when the world throws that at me it always seems to come back and smack me in the head with a resounding thud, reminding me to be independent and not allow a codependent situation to create vulnerability.

I recently moved in with my boyfriend. Perhaps my motivation to do so was not the best. I suppose I did it because I love him and because HE wanted me to. Well, it didn't work out but reminded me to keep my autonomy which didn't fly with him. SO, I decided to move out.

I'm buying my own home, moving to RR. Close next week.


Wow! Blown away by this - totally agree! To identify an action as problematic or why an action is taken, we have to know the motive behind it. I think that is true for all behaviors. There is always an underlying motive as to why people do what they do and we can never truly help people or allow ourselves to heal if we don't realize the root. Absolutely love this!


I kind of like the idea that when you give to another you are giving to the self as well! To me, it's a way of learning about self and others because, in the beginning you may not think you have motivations or you have different motivations. Then once you give, there is something that happens in the heart.It either feels full or empty, and your motivation comes to the forefront! It takes being rigorously honest! If not for selflessness and compassion (codependency), it would be a ruthless world!

Kristin L. Roush, Ph.D.

I appreciate what you are saying about being in touch with our true motivations and that, after the giving, more clarity is possible based on your feelings. I was confused by your putting codependency in parentheses after the word "compassion," as though you are equating the two. Maybe that's not what you meant by the parentheses.
Thanks for the comment!


I am equating selflessness and compassion to what is defined as codependency, but should be re-defined as interdependency and a necessary piece of the learning, life and love puzzle! Sorry to confuse you, 'don't mean to!


To me, it boils down to this: is it codependency or is it interdependence? Isn't it like this....you've got your last buck - Do you give it away or keep it?? A codependent gives it away hoping it HELPS to change things; an interdependent gives it away with JOY knowing it may NOT!

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