of the eyes is a classic passive expression of disapproval.  It has the added benefit of giving you plausible deniability.  When someone calls you on it, you can indignantly protest, “I didn’t say anything,” thereby absolving you of any responsibility for your toxic presence. If you need assistance, consult withdrawn adolescents.  They are masters of this technique.

•   Manage your body language.  Always walk slowly using a short stride with your head down, hands in your pockets, and looking only 3-5 ft. in front of you. Be sure you maintain rounded shoulders and a hunched over posture.  Never, ever look up to see the blue sky or bright sunshine.  While sitting, cross your arms, keep your head down and throw in the occasional despairing slow shaking of the head accompanied by a long, tired sigh.

How to Behave Like a Depressed Person   

•  Listen to sad, depressing music.  Adele is a good choice. 
  

•   Sit in the dark at home, alone.  Pull the shades, turn off the lights and withdraw into your own little world of misery.

•  Avoid exercise or any physical exertion.  A mere 15-20 minutes of exercise could trigger the release of endorphins and this will increase your experience of pleasure. Avoid at all cost.

•  Do not express your anger. Be sure to stuff it deep and hide it behind a contrived happy face. That buried anger will gel into some fine quality depression.
  

•   Avoid sunshine.  Again, a mere 15 – 20 minutes of sun exposure per day could cause your Vitamin D levels to rise resulting in improved mood.  You’ve worked too hard to backslide now. If you must go outside, cover yourself up and wear a floppy hat and sunglasses.  Besides, that pasty, sickly quality to your skin is quite attractive and really complements your overall depressed look.

 

 

How to Think Like a Depressed Person

It’s not as easy as you might think.  Negativity must become second nature to you.  Don’t get caught off guard by a sudden compliment. “That’s a really nice shirt you’re wearing” could shift you into a moment of pleasure if you’re not on your toes.  Be quick with a sharp retort, “So, I guess you think my pants are pretty ugly since they’re not worth mentioning.” This makes people feel crazy and they will stop complimenting you.

Generally speaking, your thoughts are an extension of your beliefs and attitudes, so let’s begin at this fundamental level.  You must develop a solid foundation of cynicism about life, people, the world, love, relationships, and especially yourself.  Here are a few suggested beliefs to get you started.  Feel free to adapt them according to your parents’ and your culture’s particular dysfunctional nuances.

•  "Life is not meant to be “enjoyed” (try to spit out that last word with a snide, mocking tone for added effect). Life is about working hard, being a good citizen, raising a family and then dying.  Our reward will be in heaven."

•   "Don’t trust anyone.  People are just out to protect their own self interest and will rip off and step on anyone to get it."

•   "Love? Love is an illusion; it doesn’t exist.  You’re a schmuck if you believe in such a fairytale fantasy.  People will just use it to deceive, manipulate, and destroy you.  Get real."

•   "Never trust happiness.  Just when you start to relax, life will slam you with another crisis that you don’t deserve."

 

Here are a few suggested thoughts to keep your mind occupied while you're in the shower or walking to your car in the parking lot, or any other time that life slows down enough to get in some concentrated depressed mental exercise. In a very short time, these will develop into what we in the 'biz call "automatic thoughts."  This will become your default way of thinking because now all this negativity has slipped beneath your awareness into your sub-conscious. And that's the most powerful place to be if you want fundamental personality change. Congratulations!

• "Gee, I'd like to apply for that job, but I probably won't get it. I shouldn't even bother applying for it. Somebody else is probably more qualified than me. Besides, it's not what you know, but who you know."
• "Maybe I'll go to that party Saturday night. No, why bother? I won't know anyone there and I'm such a loser when it comes to talking to people. Why would anyone want to talk to me, anyway? I'm so boring. I have nothing interesting to say about anything. I'm never going to make friends with anyone."
  
• "That was such a lame thing to do, I can't believe I did that. I'm such a moron. I can't ever do anything right."
• "I'm so screwed up. I have so many problems, who would ever want to get involved with me?"
  

 

I hope you found these tips helpful in your efforts to become a truly depressed person. Stay tuned for other installments from The Fine Art of Misery series.

 *On a serious note: please know that this series is intended to be a spoof, a lighthearted invitation to look at how we create our misery. It is by no means meant to be disrespectful or minimizing of many people's true pain, particularly around depression and anxiety.

 

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