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"Guilt or Resentment: Hmm... Which Shall I Choose Today?"

Road Signs No Right Turn and No Left Turn

Do you ever feel like you are caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place? Someone has just asked you for a favor and on this particular day, you want to say "no."

"Can you watch the kids for me this Saturday night?" 

You really don't want to. You like this person alot and you think it is a reasonable request. It doesn't matter what your reasons are; they are legitimate and you just don't want to say "yes" today. But, if you say "no," you will feel guilty. And, on the other hand, if you say "yes," you will feel resentment. You can't win. Guilt or resentment are your only options. I remember a client who once lamented, "Geez, I have to pick between those two every day!" So, what do you do?


Pick guilt. Seriously. I know it would be better if you could make a choice and not feel either of these. But you are not quite that evolved yet (keep reading this Blog; you will get there!), and you are realistically going to have to choose between these two unpleasant and frustrating feelings. Pick the answer that leaves you feeling guilty rather than resentful. In this case, say "no." Then swallow hard and resist the temptation to fill the awkward space with all kinds of real or contrived excuses that will legitimize you and your "no" answer.


Why? Because it is easier after the fact to deal with your guilt and let go of it than it is to deal with your resentment and let go of it. Guilt is a burden. But resentment is a bigger burden. You can deal with both of them and eventually let go of them (stay tuned; we will be covering how to do that in later posts). It is just that resentment is more insidious and difficult to untangle. A good talk with a good friend can reassure you and often help you let go of your guilt. A good talk with a good friend does not do much to help you release the resentment you have been carrying around.


So, go call a friend and ask him to remind you that you have a right to say "no" and that you are still a good and kind person.  You have a right to take care of your needs, and that means that you will sometimes have to say "no" to others, even though it is hard to do.


Oh, and by the way, can you watch the kids for me this Saturday night?


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Comments

D. Michelle

The story of Friendship "I wonder if you could help me with something" really resonated with me on a personal level. Friendship, in my opinion, is about respect, honesty, love and sometimes compromise. If these traits cannot be exchanged equally and in good faith there is no friendship. Hurtful behavior on others is not acceptable at any level. If one does not wish to acknowledge or empathize that this behavior is damaging to a friendship, then it is best to reconsider said friendship. As mentioned in the story and disclaimer, "We cannot change or control anyone" but we CAN, however, choose to walk away from an unhealthy relationship. Thank you so much for posting this story; it reaffirmed I made the right decision! :)

Kristin L. Roush, Ph.D.

I really appreciate that you take the word and the concept of friendship so seriously. I have collected poems and quotes about friendship since I was about 12 years old, so I don't throw the word around very casually. Thanks so much for recognizing the importance of extending kindness toward both strangers and our friends.

J. Barnett

Ah, guilt and resentment, my old familiar acquaintances. From the time I was little 'til present, the weapon of choice for manipulation in my family has been the use of the relationship between these two emotions. First the "case" is built and presented to show why another's "need" is greater than my own. If the case isn't strong enough to produce a "yes," then a guilt trip ensues, starting with information gathering. Whoever has the "need" asks questions to validate the "no" response. Then, all manner of sales and negotiation techniques are emoplyed to show how I am committing a selfish wrongful act against them. This worked previously and I would give in and say "yes." Then, I would resent the person and would complete whatever they needed from me half-heartedly. If the other person didn't think I had completed the task satisfactorily, then they would pour on more guilt about how I had broken my word and only bad people break their word. Fortunately, now I recognize this conversation model when it starts and I put an end to it by saying politely, "My reasons are my own," during the onset of the information gathering phase. This was a hard earned boundry to set. As a result, my family and I have a much healthier relationship; I realize this is part of who they are and I don't let it affect me or hate them for it.

J. Barnett

Ah, guilt and resentment, my old familiar acquaintances. From the time I was little til present, the weapon of choice for manipulation in my family has been the use of the relationship between these two emotions. First the "case" is built and presented to show why another's "need" is greater than my own. If the case isn't strong enough to produce a yes, then a guilt trip ensues, starting with information gathering. Whoever has the "need" asks questions to validate the "no" response. Then all manner of sales and negotiation techniques are employed to show how I am committing a selfish wrongful act against them. This worked previously and I would give in and say yes. Then I would resent the person and would complete whatever they needed from me half-heartedly. If the other person didn't think I had completed the task satisfactorily, then they would pour on more guilt about how I had broken my word and only bad people break their word. Fortunately, now I recognize this conversation model when it starts and I put an end to it by saying politely, "My reasons are my own," during the onset of the information gathering phase. This was a hard earned boundary to set. As a result, my family and I have a much healthier relationship; I realize this is part of who they are and I don't let it affect me or hate them for it.

Kristin L. Roush, Ph.D.

How terrific that you were finally able to recognize this manipulative dynamic in your family. I love your "my reasons are my own." What a great demonstration of the fact that we don't need to legitimize ourselves by defensively lying or frantically explaining why we decide, feel, believe, act, value, etc... the way we do. Thanks!

Gisele Niyindaje

"Guilt or resentment," I have to pick between these two almost every weekend, but I always choose resentment because I never knew their difference.I have always thought that saying "No" to people will make them unhappy or make me seem like a bad person. I just learned that my reasons for responding "No" matter the most.

Kristin L. Roush, Ph.D.

I am glad you are starting to understand what each of these means, and the fact that when you consistently "make" other people happy at the expense of your own happiness, then you risk stockpiling resentment. Way to go!

D. Rice

I agree with the observation that guilt is an easier burden to deal with than resentment.It seems that after time the voices of guilt subside,but the sharp and deep claws of resentment just become more entrenched.We are never really taught to deal with either very well while growing up, but there seems to be a natural process of our guilt subsiding. Resentment, however, requires a lot of emotional hard work and cognitive introspection.

No one likes unpleasant emotions or anxiety ridden thoughts. But, given the choice, I'll choose guilt over resentment any day. Damn, I should not have said that. What's wrong with me? Now I feel bad!

Kristin L. Roush, Ph.D.

Ha-Ha! Very good! Yes, you articulated pretty well my concern about resentment becoming more hardened.

Alejandro

I can relate to this. I always find it hard to say "no." It makes me feel like the worst person. I guess I say "yes" to make the situation less awkward and to not disappoint the person asking for the favor. I am making other people happy at my expense.

Kristin L. Roush, Ph.D.

Good insight, Alejandro.
Now, do you think you might find an opportunity some time to be brave and say "no?" You might just find out that people will still like you and still think you are a nice guy.

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