This series is being brought to you as a public service. I have recently observed an alarming number of Americans smiling, walking with long confident strides with heads held high, greeting total strangers with kindness, remaining optimistic in the face of disappointments, and perhaps most alarming, exhibiting generosity while searching for parking spaces.

Now, to the casual observer, these might appear to be positive behaviors. No! Don't be fooled! Look around you. It is not normal to be happy and carefree. If you are well adjusted, physically healthy, and you enjoy a satisfying relationship, you are a social outcast. You are in a minority that enjoys no legal protections.  You are hopelessly doomed to a life of being misunderstood, judged, and socially shunned. The normal person won't be drawn to you. You will never be able to relate to Wednesday Afternoon TV Specials or Lifetime Channel movies. With no excuses for poor performance, people will expect quality outcomes from you. The pressure will be too much. Think about it. The vast majority of Americans are depressed and overweight. The divorce rate is over 50%. Drug abuse is on the rise and even the planet is taking a nose dive. Do you want to risk social alienation at such a time of misery solidarity? There is a reason for that saying about "safety in numbers." Rejoin our ranks and relax in the safe and strong arms of mediocrity and melancholy.

I am here to help you. Follow this series to learn a step-by-step guide to the joys of misery. We will be covering all the major topics that are designed to create self-perpetuating life-long drama. Each topic skillfully builds on the last one, illustrating a common sense progression of skill development and attitude changes leading to a lifetime of pervasive misery. Here is the list of topics we will be covering:

1.  Stinking Thinking: The Sweet Smell of Successful Misery
2. Low Self-Esteem: How Low Can You Go?
3. Depression: Prozac is for Sissies
4. Anxiety: How to Work Yourself Into a Panic in the Absence of Any Real Threats
5. Finding True Love: Trample Over Those Pesky Red Flags
6. Fair Fighting? Nice Guys Finish Last
7. Create a Toxic Workplace: Take This Job and Shove It!
8. Using Misery to Destroy Your Body
9. Create a Lasting Legacy: Parenting to Create Crazy Kids
10. Your Deathbed Reflection: A Life Lived Badly

I bring several years of tried and true experience to this column. I have personally tested all of the techniques described in these articles. My affiliation as a Provider within the managed health care system taught me how to masterfully keep my clients stuck in their dysfunctional living patterns while being limited to their six maximum-alloted sessions. Stay tuned for these titles coming soon!

On a serious note: Please know that this series is intended to be a spoof, a lighthearted invitation to look at how we create our own misery. It is by no means meant to be disrespectful or minimizing of many people's true pain, particularly around depression and anxiety.

Make this easy for yourself! Let me come to you!

IT'S FREE!

When you become a Subscriber, you will receive an e-mail from me a couple times a week when I publish a new post. Just fill in your e-mail address over there >>> near the top of the right side bar where it says Subscribe.

Welcome!

Note: This is Topic # 4  in a 10- part series called The Fine Art of Misery.

*On a serious note: Please know that this series is intended to be a spoof, a lighthearted invitation to look at how we sometimes create our own misery. It is by no means meant to be disrespectful or minimizing of many people's true pain, particularly around depression and anxiety.

OK, first, look around you and assess the situation. Granted, your belly is full, you have a roof over your head, your bills are reasonably paid up, and you can call a person or two a friend.  You have a few bucks in your pocket. You can inhale and exhale with some degree of ease and you have access to at least the majority of your five senses. Do not be lulled into a sense of complacency! You can still create a crisis out of this seemingly secure situation. 

A creative imagination here is helpful. Since there is nothing major happening in your current reality that warrants freaking out, you will need to borrow some material from your past and also from your future.

Anxiety Borrowed From Your Past

Let's take a look at your past and see if you can recycle some old traumas and stresses. Let's start small.  Recall the way someone looked at you funny. If you think about it, it was actually a pretty critical look and they were probably judging you about something. That's a good reason to get upset, maybe create some after the fact indignation or better yet, fear that they really don't like you afterall. That would be devastating!

How about some "coulda, woulda, shouldas?" I could have done a better job on that project; now everyone thinks I'm a loser.  I would have made a better impression if she hadn't stolen the spotlight; now I'm just a nobody. I should have known he would react like that; now I'll bet he doesn't trust me.  A variation on this theme is the "if only." If only I had stayed at my old job, I wouldn't be in this mess. If only I had listened to my instincts, I wouldn't be stuck in this relationship. "If onlys" are handy if you want to add a tinge of depression to your anxiety. This makes for a nice touch.

Anxiety Borrowed From Your Future

The future is a great place to create some anxiety because you're not constrained by actual events that have already happened. The sky's the limit! Start with some "what ifs." What if I don't get the job? What if my girlfriend  breaks up with me? What if the car breaks down while I'm on the highway at night? What if I ignore this headache and it turns out to be a brain tumor and I die a slow agonizing death, leaving my family destitute and grief stricken?  See how quickly you can go from zero to sixty in a few seconds flat? "What ifs" are the gold standard for creating anxiety out of future thin air.

Anxiety: Go for the Gold!

If you're going for sustained, long term chronic anxiety, you will need to create some foundational negative beliefs and attitudes.  Beliefs like, "Everyone has to like me all the time," "I can't ever make a mistake or let them see me vulnerable," and "I always have to be the best at everything I do," are a good start.

I hope this little installment from The Fine Art of Misery series has been helpful. Stay tuned for the next title,  Finding True Love: Trample Over Those Pesky Red Flags.

Make this easy for yourself! Let me come to you!

It's FREE!

When you become a Subscriber, you will get an e-mail from me a couple times a week when I publish a new post. The link will bring you right back here with one click. Just fill in your e-mail address over there >>> on the right side bar where it says Subscribe.

Welcome!

Note: This is Topic #3 of a 10-part series called The Fine Art of Misery. 

*On a serious note: please know that this series is intended to be a spoof, a lighthearted invitation to look at how we sometimes create our own misery. It is by no means meant to be disrespectful or minimizing of many people's true pain, particularly around depression and anxiety.

Believe it or not, some people don’t naturally come by feelings of depression.  They are afflicted with a sunny disposition.  Don’t despair.  A proven technique to generate an internal state of depression is to start on the outside and work your way in to the inside.

Begin with your physical appearance, then concentrate on your outward behavior, and finish off the process with the big guns as described in our last column: your inner thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs (Stinking Thinking: The Sweet Smell of Successful Misery).  This systematic approach will slowly but surely destroy your life spirit.

How to Appear Depressed

•   Wear drab, dark clothes that communicate that you are invisible or otherwise deserve to be invisible.  Browns, blacks, grays, and navy blues are best.  Be sure your clothes are over-sized, wrinkled, and not clean.  A low slung hat or hairstyle that hides your eyes is a particularly effective touch that will keep you feeling invisible and unworthy.  It telegraphs to the world your morose and sullen nature and has the added benefit of calling attention to yourself as a misunderstood outcast.  Some people will be merely intrigued; others will feel sorry for you and that’s exactly the effect you’re after.

•   Manage your facial expressions.  Always wear a frown on your face and do not make eye contact with people.  Use your face to express only minimal emotion; boredom, superior disdain and chronic irritation are best.  The well-timed rolling

Note: This is topic # 2  from the 10-part series, The Fine Art of Misery.

*On a serious note: Please know that this series is intended to be a spoof, a lighthearted invitation to look at how we sometimes create our own misery. It is by no means meant to be disrespectful or minimizing of many people's true pain, particularly around depression and anxiety.

OK, here's the thing. If you truly aspire to a miserable life, you must begin here. Low self-esteem is at the very core of misery. You must perfect an absolute commitment to self-loathing. You do this by taking advantage of three powerful tools:

• grow up in American culture
  

• create a belief system, complete with attitudes and automatic thoughts, that is devoted to negativity and cynicism (see Topic # 1: Stinking Thinking: The Sweet Smell of Successful Misery).

• stay as far away from spirituality as you can get (organized religion might be just fine - use your judgment on this.

Low Self-Esteem: Your American Culture at Work

If you happen to be raised in the American culture, you enjoy a distinct advantage over others from more tolerant societies. In American culture, we have very narrow parameters for what are considered attractive qualities. The entire popular culture is
set up to program you for low self-esteem. You have to have just the right body type, the right skin color, the right age, the right gender, the right religion, the right sexuality, and have the right type of education. You must have the right values, be raised on the right side of the tracks, by the right parents, and have the right bank balance. Otherwise, "you ain't from 'round these parts" and you are viewed with suspicion just because you are different. So few people can meet these criteria, a miserable low self-esteem is almost guaranteed for most of the U.S. population. And that's even before your dysfunctional parents have had a shot at you!

I'm Not OK, You're Not OK, Nobody's OK, Nothing's OK, Nowhere, Never

It is important to develop a pretty comprehensive belief system that the world is awful
and that you hold the distinction of being the armpit of the world. Again, your core beliefs are essential here. You are innately inferior, you don't matter, you have no purpose, you are a mistake, you have nothing to contribute to the world, you are a loser and you deserve to be all alone as a social outcast. Focus on your specific physical flaws and then your obnoxious personality traits. You are too fat, too thin, too hairy, too wrinkly, too bald, too short. You are not smart enough, not popular enough, not nice enough, not healthy enough, not mature enough, not good...enough.

Mouse Vision, Not Eagle Vision

"A person wrapped up in himself makes a very small package."  Be self-absorbed. Remember that you are all alone

Note: This is Topic #1 from the 10- part series, The Fine Art of Misery.

Any serious discussion of the fine art of misery must begin with the importance of "getting your head in the game." In other words, much of your mood and even your personality traits can be impacted by how you think and believe.  Your thoughts, beliefs, attitudes,
and interpetations form the foundation for how you will feel and then behave in life. It is essential to sprinkle negativity and cynicism throughout your core beliefs in order to sustain a miserable life.

Where Do Thoughts and Beliefs Come From?

Look no further than the people who raised you. They had a pretty good opportunity to indoctrinate you into a belief system full of criticism, negativity, cynicism, and suspicion.  Then there is the popular culture, your teachers and even some clergy who might have  contributed to a life outlook full of fear, prejudices, self-doubt, and pessimism. This was a good beginning, but you need to maintain that strong foundation with daily practice. 

Adulthood: Misery Auto Pilot

This is great news. Hopefully, you arrived at the threshold of adulthood with plenty of childhood baggage from